If a husband wants a divorce but the wife doesnt what can she do...?

by **leximac** on Fri May 08, 2009 1:43 pm

A woman marry's a man, and tells him while dating that marriage is forever to her and even if its rough she doesn't ever want to be divorced. The man spends the first 6 mo of their marriage deployed to Iraq, and when the man returns he is not the same person. The woman still loves her husband and doesn't want to ditch out on him just because he has problems. The man is subconsciously sabotaging himself by asking for a divorce. The woman can see that he is trying to blame his problems on her instead of really fixing himself and his problems, and the woman can see that a divorce will still not make him happy so the woman doesn't want to put herself through it just for his sake. He says divorce, she says No.. what do they do from here

I just want to say thanks for all the answers so far.. I think they are all reasonable. I know in the military especially, people are told to give up more often then fight for the relationship... I think the right thing to do for this woman and this man is very close to the anser I chose as the best answer but if you read all you'll see a few other good ones. For the people who said give up, move on, why would you want to stay around, I think its important to realize this man in the story is obviously sick, not in his right mind and the illness he has cant be cured over night... much like cancer or a life threatening disease! I wouldn't want my husband to leave me if I got sick.

Thnaks again.. and leave more feedback if you wish or email :)

by **Seriously777** on Fri May 08, 2009 1:48 pm

Nothing. You can't force someone to love you and stay married to you. If a person files for divorce - they'll eventually get it whether the other spouse wants it or not.

Why on earth would anyone want to stay with someone that doesn't love or care for them anyways? Think on it...

by **Thanks580** on Fri May 08, 2009 1:51 pm

The woman can't do anything, sorry. Just have to let him go and move on.

by **DueJuly30th2805** on Fri May 08, 2009 1:54 pm

First of all if this is really about you and your husband I just want to say I'm SO sorry it's happening.
Cause for one.
Every man that is deported off for war WILL come back another man,
The best thing I can think of right now is seperate (but not divorce) give him some time to himself to gather himself back together the best he can. Get him into counseling if he will.
But if he is unwilling to then I'm not sure what else there is for the woman to do at this point.
If he has suddenly fallen out of love , Then thats not really fixable at this point. Especially in his condition.
I guess the only thing you can do is hope for the best.
Ask him to TRY and work things out, If he really really doesn't then there wont be a whole lot you can do.

by **KellyH709** on Fri May 08, 2009 2:53 pm

I am in this exact same position right now. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and after his deployment to iraq he is a completely different person. He has said that he has fallen out of love with me. He still loves me, but he is not in love with me. Crazy right? My husband is also sabotaging himself with self destructive behaviour and thoughts of divorce. I agree with many people that I cannot force him to fall back in love with me. It is not your fault that he fell out of love with you. Please remember that he needs help. Counseling through the VA maybe. You also need counseling.
At this point I think that my husband is simply overwhelmed by all of the thoughts running through his head from combat and his coping mechanism is to block out everything that causes overwhelming feelings. Do I know if those feelings or his capability to have those feelings will ever return? Don't know? But, I will make sure that I am there if they do. Many people that don't understand having a military combat vet as a husband will tell you to leave. They will tell you that it is over and there is no hope. I am telling you right now, there is hope. I think that you both need help. Even if he denies it, you go. Call the VA let them know what is going on. They have programs for this situation. My husband threatened divorce and to be honest with you I almost filed first to beat him to the punch. But, like you I didn't want it; and I refused to do his dirty work for him. Of course, he hasn't filed yet. He wants me to give him the easy way out and I won't do it. I have been going through this for almost 4 weeks now and we have our good days and our very bad days. I talk almost daily to other wives going through the exact same thing. We have made our own support group and it is the best thing for all of us right now. Talk to other military wives, vent, get help, remember you cannot change him, don't try he will resent you. Think really hard if you are able to love this new person and forget what was. If you can't love the person he is now and accept it then I think you probrably know what hould happen. The life before he left will never return. You are building a new relationship with a new person. Make sure you don't let too many people influence you in a decision they have never been forced to make themselves. Trust in your heart for YOUR desicion. Love him, as crazy as it sounds, love him no matter what. Right now that is the only thing holding my marriage together. I am loving him unconditionally and without reserve. You may not get anything in return, but try to remember that love is not selfish it is the most selfless thing you can do for your marriage.
And if it doesn't work, at least you know that you did everything within your power to make it work. You will be able to move on knowing that you fought with everything that you are and it wasn't meant to be. This will make you stronger than you ever were. If this relationship survives this, it will more than likely be able to survive anything. If it doesn't you will survive and be a strong woman that any man will be lucky to have!!! One last thought....being okay is being able to tolerate another day without loosing yourself in the compromise. Don't lose yourself in this. Cling tight to who you are, for that is the only way to make it through in one peice. for him but more importantly FOR YOURSELF.

by **Diana579** on Fri May 08, 2009 3:08 pm

Here are sites that will help that person.
http://singlemomsrock.org/ and http://richsinglemomma.com/weblog/
I hope this could help you.

by **Binst183** on Fri May 08, 2009 4:33 pm

You have to let him go. You can't force love, sorry.

by **oh_jo123719** on Fri May 08, 2009 5:23 pm

nothing you are at a stand still one will have to GIVE UP on the fight for there to be any resolution to the problem

by **MeanCarleen666** on Fri May 08, 2009 6:33 pm

He doesn't need her permission to get a divorce. If he files rather she signs or shows up to court, he will be granted a divorce. She need to let go ...why try and stay married to someone who makes it clear they do not want to be with you? Thats ridiculous.

by **happywjc342** on Fri May 08, 2009 6:36 pm

you might try counseling!
good luck

If a husband wants a divorce but the wife doesnt what can she do...?