Future MIL help please?

[MrsGtoBe]

So, my future mother in law is a difficult person and has made it clear that she doesn't like me.



Today we were talking and she mentioned how glad she was that my fiance and I were doing a longer premarital counseling session. (We are doing one session a month for a year.) I didn't think much of it. Then when I brought up announcements she said she didn't think we should send them. Finally, my fiance was talking about my mom and referred to her as his 'future mother in law' and his mom corrected him and said 'POTENTIAL mother in law.'



What is that about? Shouldn't she be happy that her son is getting married? She wasn't like this when her first son got married. Her first son met his girlfriend, starting dating a couple months later, proposed before their 1st year anniversary and married her before their 2nd. Nothing wrong with that, and their mom was fine with it.



I have known my fiance for 6 1/2 years, we dated 2 years (but both of our families knew we had feelings for each other and there was a future for 'us' at least 6 months prior to that), and plan to be engaged for a year and a half, yet she still feels we are rushing into it or something?



I am trying to think of the best way to handle this. We are ignoring it for now, but I don't know what to do if she continues with the 'potential' stuff and continues to just not like me. Family is very important to me. When you marry someone, you marry into their family. I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but really... it upsets me.

My fiance is aware of this and trying to think of the best way to approach it. He's brought up her attitude before, but she doesn't understand what she's doing. It's definitely something we'll bring up in our sessions! (We don't start until January.)

And no, he doesn't coddle her. He tries his best to talk it out with her, but she denies things and gets upset. He's gotten aggressive with her, but she's a difficult person.



As a side note... I never did anything to her. She's always been a cold person, but for some reason won't warm up to me. I come from a Catholic background which was an issue for her, but she knows that I'm not a practicing Catholic and that I'm simply Christian.

PS- I appreciate the advice ladies. This was more of venting and a chance to get input than anything. My fiance wanted to respond to her comment on the spot, but didn't want to loose his temper. He will be discussing it with her, but I also wanted some input and advice from real life girls going through the same thing maybe. You girls are great. =)

[Curious305]

I think the first step in correcting the issue is your fiance' correcting her. He needs to let her know that he loves you and IS going to marry you. And to stop saying mean and hurtful things to her "future daughter-in-law" or it may risk her relationship with her grandkids.
Good Luck!

[MotherM399]

This is an excellent topic to bring up at the next premarital counseling session. That way you can definitely let your fiance know your feelings in a setting where the counselor may be able to provide some impartial insight and suggestions. Perhaps a session that includes you, your fiance AND his mother would be appropriate

Has a wedding date been set yet? If not, sit down with your fiance and settle on a date. It's time to send a clear message from both of you of your intentions to be married.

[SeafoamGreen914765]

Your fiance needs to address this with her directly, and he needs to let her know that he feels like she is being disrespectful of your relationship. When she said, "POTENTIAL mother in law" your fiance should have jumped right in and said, "Mom, that was rude. What exactly did you mean by that?"

He needs to be the one to stand up to her and take this bull by the horns. She seems very passive aggressive with her snide comments. He needs to address them directly and ask her to fully explain herself.

[TriciaG002]

This is something you need to look at with your eyes wide open...because it will come to haunt you in your married life.

The thing isn't so much as your FMIL, as much as your fiance. How does he handle this? Does he support you? Does he stand up to her to defend you?

His mom is a shrew. Nothing is going to change that. But, it is important that he tells his mom firmly that she treat you better. He needs to be strong and firm with her and tell her that she has to stop; that he is an adult; and her behavior is disrespectful to both him and to you. And if she does not change her behavior, he needs to withdraw his attention from her and not visit or call.

If he coddles her and gives in to her silly whims...then you will have a husband who coddles her and gives in to her silly whims...until she dies. Otherwise, this issue will be a constant source of strife between the two of you...and it will get worse when you have your future 2.5 babies with him.

BTW...I think you know what the issue is between you and your FMIL. She does not like you for a reason. Resolve that reason. If you don't know the source, then your fiance should ask his mom to get clarity.

EDIT: He has already told her and she continues. She will always be this way. Now he has to figure out how to insulate you from her. My suggestion is that he only sees her at her house....it is easier to leave than to kick someone out. When she acts up he says "mom, you did X, Y and Z and it has to stop. If you don't stop, we will leave." And if she continues or gets irate, etc. well "time to go now. Love you! Bye!"

If he completely withdraws his attention often enough when she exhibits these behaviors, she'll stop doing them. And he has to be willling to leave her house even if it is Christmas and the two of you only arrived there 10 minutes ago. And he has to be consistent.

Who cares if mommy gets angry. She's a shrew and he feeds her poor behavior. And you need to be paying very close attention to how effective/ineffective he is in dealing with it.

[Me682]

Sounds exactly like my situation. She's actually texted me and stated she disliked everything about me because i'm soo perfect and i'm not. ooook. . . this is something your hubby will have to take up with his mom. I look it as the mom not liking the idea that her other son is getting married. don't let her bother you. you just love your man even harder!

[Spindrift644]

You can't teach an old b*tch new tricks, she will never change and all the counseling in the world will not change that, she is a bulldog and you just need to function without her. If she changes fine, if not, fine. The best thing for both of you to do is move out of state, as far away from her as possible, or if that is not an option you need to keep her at arm's length and do not allow her to interfere in your lives. You and your husband must set parameters and let her know upfront her point of view is her own and has nothing to do with the two of you and you intend to have your own lives and if she chooses to be a part of that fine, if not, oh well.

[tammyblanton]

This is the situation I am in but it's my fiance's father. He does not approve of me because I'm from a different religion, country and culture from my fiance's family and I didn't speak their language, so now I'm in the middle of learning it, to prove him wrong. I cannot tell you how many times he has come to the US and visited us but then wound up going home and telling his family false stories about me.

My fiance and his father have been fighting over "me" for almost 4 out of the 5 years we've been together. His parents are divorced, have been since he was 13. Not only has his father (successfully) turned his side of the family against me, but he is also trying to turn his ex wife's family against me. That is actually not working out so well because I've been in my fiance's country for the past 4 months and I'm staying with his mother.

Every time he comes over to visit my fiance's mother, I have to stay in my room until he leaves because I'm a "hot button issue". However, last week there was a turn of events on his part because he found out I was having issues at school and offered to help me out on his own....so maybe he's realizing no matter how much he fights with his son, I'm going to end up his son's wife. (my fiance has been in the US for these past 4 months.)

My fiance does not coddle his father and just say "ok, dad...whatever, dad." They get in full-blown arguments. When I was first found out, he told my fiance it was either me or him. You can guess who he chose...that backfired, didn't it??!!

Now on the other hand, I feel sorry for you because your situation is not as extreme as mine. She will eventually stop when she realizes there's nothing she can do, her son made up his mind, but she will criticize everything you do to make you miserable for choosing her son. Some women are immature like that. She will criticize your cooking, how you raise your kids, how you treat her son, how clean you keep your house....picture Doris from Everybody Loves Raymond and how she treats Debra. Maybe she didn't care as much about the first son because your fiance, maybe, is her favorite and she doesn't want to say it out loud to avoid hurting everyone's feelings (but yours).

I hope you have a good marriage and hopefully you won't have to live in the same city as her...and if you do, I hope it's on opposite sides. Good luck with your sessions. Who knows...she may even change after she sees her son is happy with you. I hope that is the case!! The fact that he stands up for you is a good sign and he loves you a lot. Good luck!!

[4REEE470]

No offense to old people, but I have found that some old people have this dementia thing going on.

What I mean by that is they will say something rude, but when you bring it up at an appropriate day or time, they deny it and think *you* made it up!!

So here's what I've done when dealing with my mom and my in laws: I counter immediately.

Just like a previous writer wrote, "When future MIL said 'POTENTIAL mother-in-law,' *that* was the moment to counter. Not later.

It takes practice, but you can do it.

I don't let my mom or in laws move on to the next topic until they've addressed the first.

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[Naomi867]

im totally with you here!! my MIL is the same!! when he called her to tell her we were engaged she says "why is she pregnant?!" when he informed her that i wasnt her next question was "well does whitney know?!" (whitney was his last g/f) needless to say he didnt talk to her for a week and now she wants to be buddy buddy with me! MIL's just dont get it!!

GL with yours!! and congrats on the engagement!