Battered man syndrome?? I'm so terribly concerned for my friend, would like advice....this is long, sorry.?

[Rocky]

Ok, first please understand I'm not going to try to get into the middle of this mess, I know it's not my business, I am just really concerned for a good friend of mine after witnessing some things today, and I'm hoping to gain some insight from people who may understand or have some information (legal, etc):



My 36 year old guy friend - I will call him Tom - has been with his wife (Mary) about 9 years. She was a single mother of two young boys when they met, and he basically became the primary father figure in their lives. The biological father is still in the picture, but lives far away, so Tom has been the real father figure in the boys' lives and he loves them to death, just as his own.



Tom has done everything through the marriage. He held a job, paid the bills, made sure the boys had everything they needed, checked their homework every night, did everything a good parent would do - he took care of them. Mary was a pampered wife, she never worked, didn't finish college, and was a mooch to say the least. She ended up partying it up several nights a week, becoming an alcoholic, getting arrested for public intoxication, and had an affair on Tom. Tom finally couldn't take it any more and decided to divorce almost a year ago. He has since moved out and has his own apartment, and still sees the boys when he can.



Tom, another friend, and I went to a local art show last night, and today I was visiting him and noticed he kept getting text messages and phone calls from Mary. Apparently Mary was going off the deep end and accusing him of F#cking another woman because she knew he had been to the art show with female friends. Again, they have been separated for a year, divorce is almost final, SHE sees other men, has them spend the night, still is in contact with the man she had the affair with....but she is extremely possessive of Tom and gets angry when she thinks he is even remotely dating any one. She even came OVER to his apartment and started pounding on the door when I was still there. I was really concerned. Tom never answered and just played as though he wasn't home. But she did this about 3 times. This means she left the boys at home, to drive to his apartment at least on 3 separate occasions to try to confront him. She then started texting him that he could never see the boys again (a threat she uses often), and to bring over their stuff from his place. Tom is in school for physical therapy, so she texted that she was going to tell the director of his school that he was f#cking married students. She was calling every few minutes, leaving voice mails,....it was freaking C-R-A-Z-Y. Tom has acknowledged that she is very unstable and that he has to deal with this type of thing from her a lot. But then he told me something else - he told me that she has punched him in the face in a PUBLIC restaurant and had been arrested for it too.



When he was telling me about it he actually started to get upset. He wants her out of his life so badly but he loves the boys so much that he feels trapped. Remember he has NO legal rights because the biological dad is still involved, however the bio dad is a jerk too (whole other story, but to give you an idea, he wants to get his young boys tattoos) so he realizes that if he were to ever have his wife put in jail, the boys would automatically go to the bio dad. It tears him up to think about it because he has been the only stable parent in their lives, but the bio dad isn't unstable enough to have rights revoked if that makes sense.



Tom was so embarrassed, he says he feels very emasculated to have this crazy ex-wife constantly causing trouble for him. I really feel for him because he is a very nice guy and he deserves so much better.



So I'm wondering - what could he do in this situation? He feels like he has no options but to put up with it because he wants the boys in his life....he believes that if she gets angry enough, she will just move away back home and take the boys with her. If he has no legal rights to the boys, IS there anything he could do?

The boys are 10 and 12 right now, Tom knew them when they were babies.

To thatartistwin: I am concerned because I saw how upset he is over the situation and as a good friend I care for his well being. Seeing as how she has physically attacked him in the past, I worry for his safety as well. You want to dispute what someone else said as far as diagnosing her yet you want to play therapist yourself by telling ME what MY intentions are. You shouldn't bother answering questions if you are going to behave like a bitter hen, seriously. I am merely asking for advice on his situation, not your 2 cents about my question.

[JoshK]

Who knows but my god, he is going through hell and I feel sorry for the boys having biological parents like that.

[JimG]

I'm not sure about the laws where you are, so there's not much I can say about that. Eventually however, these boys will be of 'legal age' and that changes everything. In the meantime, what I hear you describing isn't just an alcoholic female, it's a character that I describe as a narcissist, and as such, she is suffering what they call narcissistic injury. There is no easy way to deal with such a person, they are malicious to the N'th degree and and as you described, 'spoiled rotten'.

These females are known for their 'rage' and physical assaults against people. Their male counterparts are not much different.

Tom needs to come to terms with what he is reacting to (the devil incarnate) and do everything he can to be ready for these boys when they turn of legal age. Your friendship and support is probably the best medicine available, but keep trying to expand his support network as you see fit.

There may be some rights here in the legal sense, try to find some 'free' legal advice from a lawyer on that topic. I wish I could help more, Tom sounds like a really great guy.

[langly510]

Oh, God, what a mess. How do the boys feel about this? If they were together 9 years, I would think they'd be nearing their teens by now. I would encourage them to get emancipated from their crazy parents and move in with him. He should also consider getting a restraining order against her.

[skeptik]

This is a total shame, such a very sad story. Sounds like his ex is nothing but a cheating alcoholic who also has abusive tendencies. Unfortunately you also are rite in that IF she were taken out of her children's life, they would just automatically revert to being w/their biological father. This whole story is just too sad for words. I'm just afraid as far as the laws go, I don't know how he could have any legal rites to them or even being able to get to them. The only way would be would be to prove that BOTH the father mother were unstable, then he just may have legal rites to the children. I would think this should/would be something that would just be worth while asking the rite person, someone who would know family rites legalities. This would mean he would have to seek the advice of an atty. I'm sure everything you've said is ALL true. You have NO reason whatsoever to lie or even make up such a story. I would honestly think tho that I would seek counsel from an atty regarding his rites in this matter. He DID raise them since they were quite young obviously they DO care about him. Just too bad one of them isn't 14, as at that age, they do have the rite to choose who they want to live with. Let me also add, that's the law in the state of NJ. I don't know if other states differ in their laws. To me, I think something of this nature should I would ck. w/an atty. regarding the facts if he does have any legal rites to them. Of course naturally, it sure sounds like he should, BUT should, could, would are all different stories. I would love to hear a happy ending to this story, but of course never will. But, I would not let it go w/o at least cking. w/an atty. I DO wish you ALL the BEST...:)

[megannjason305]

While I'm certainly no attorney or anything, it's possible that he may be able to apply for a Peace Order or a Protective Order. These documents are similar to a restraining order basically, they don't press any charges, they don't get her arrested, and he can still see the children. However it does mean that if she tries to contact him or tries to see him, the police will take action.

[JamesK6749]

I am going to have to disagree with another answer you have been provided. Though this she could have a narcissitic personality, I see no evidence that that is the case. As a matter of fact, nothing in your description can diagnose her with anything other than someone who is clearly in need of substance abuse counseling and anger management. Certainly she could suffer some sort of affliction including narcissism, borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. However, without a proper diagnosis, hypothesis such as this are pointless. In addition, it serves no purpose to armchair diagnose her since she is not the issue. Her boys ARE the main focus and without her willingness to address her own issues, the solution cannot lie in helping her.

I am concerned as to why you feel the need to get involved in this situation. It seems to met that you have an overly vested interest in this situation and may have some feelings for this man. It would be highly unwise of you to get involved though you say you are not.

You cannot know what has gone on in the relationship since he was with her for nine years and clearly withstood that sort of behavior for a long time. There are two sides to each story and you have no idea what he done to contribute to this chaos. You cannot be sure he has not been leading her on even though you think you are completely aware.

The bottom line is that these are her kids however she was his wife and did maintain a fatherly presence in the home. There is a possibilty that he can approach a judge and request visitation based on this fact. However, obviously this is going to create further chaos in infuriating the ex.

The best advice I can give is for you to stay out of it. I would offer him the advice to ignore her behavior and have no contact whatsoever as eventually she may meet someone else who holds her interest and the situation may calm down.

In any case, your involvement or possible insterest in this person is only going to cause you grief down the road and you are setting yourself up for disaster.

[Michelle]

Nothing a good shove down the stairs won't fix!

[Guest]

I think that your friend should count his loses and leave the children and the woman alone. The children are being raised by this woman and may have problems of their own that he may not need to deal with. It will hurt for him to let the boys go but his well being may be on the line. The boys are old enough to know how to find him on their own if they want to. The best advise that I can give is for him to make sure that the boys know how to contact him without their mothers help and get as far away as he can. He will need to let the boys know not to give the mother any o his contact informaion.